We Are All Capable of Harm
What role does conflict play in your relationships? How do you deal with it? How comfortable are you with it, really? The way we understand and manage conflict reveals a lot about how we relate to others: how much we value harmony, how we understand accountability, and how we show up when things get uncomfortable. Everyone has a relationship to conflict, and that relationship is usually shaped early in life.
The thing is: conflict is unavoidable. Getting “good at conflict” is a lifelong practice, and fortunately (or unfortunately), life will provide endless opportunities to work on it. There’s the colleague who yaps nonsense (to you, at least), the person who can’t follow your very simple directions, or your child refusing to put on a jacket in -20°C weather as the school bus turns onto your street on a Monday morning. Conflict will find you.
In many North American contexts, there’s a strong impulse to avoid conflict or “keep the peace” at all costs. In societies shaped by hyper-individualism, progressive language often gets co-opted into buzzwords that sound good but mean very little in practice. Discomfort becomes something to escape rather than work through. Relationships, ideas, or workplaces that challenge us can be discarded instead of engaged.
What’s arguably more troubling is how easy it is to build echo chambers, spaces where our version of events is constantly reinforced without consideration for other perspectives. The idea of multiple truths gets lost when being “right” or being “good” becomes the priority. Being confronted with the possibility that we contributed to a conflict can feel like a betrayal of our identity. And yet, the truth is simpler and harder: we are all capable of harm, regardless of intention.
There will never be perfect conditions for addressing conflict. We can’t predict or control every outcome, but we can respond to what’s happening in the present. Below are some practices we use when supporting workplace conflict resolution that translate easily to personal relationships and connections as well.
Be clear. Set fair expectations with each other, including consequences when those expectations aren’t met.
Acknowledge issues early and focus on repair. Work does not need to be and likely will never be the perfect place, however we do all collectively need to work toward making it tolerable for everyone.
Create a culture of clear communication, accountability, and collaboration, not just in theory, but in practice. You may not choose your colleagues, but you still have to work together. Sometimes the shared goal really is just “I need this job to pay my bills.”
Model the behavior you expect. Interrupt harmful behavior not as punishment, but as an invitation to course-correct. This will feel awkward at first. Do it anyway.
For those in leadership: people are watching. Setting the tone and maintaining it is part of the job.
Set and reset often.
Conflict doesn’t have to be destructive. When we collectively define how we’ll navigate it, conflict becomes less frightening and more generative. Because while we are all capable of harm, we are also capable of repair, and that’s where real growth lives.